Signs of life

by allsignificantbattles

Ok so weekend with Lucie went fine.

At first it was a little difficulty as I was light headed and trying not to show it. And she was cagey, this was a side effect of her feeling like crap for the last couple of weeks. But we went and had dinner in the second finest restaurant in Bendigo (the first was all booked up) and it was pretty nice actually. But although I had scrupulously planned my weekend (because I knew that I wasn’t completely out of the clutches of Effexor and I needed too) and everything went smoothly. IE: I remembered her valentine’s day/birthday present (Ms Fisher Murder Mysteries on DVD, a mixed tape and a car with a picture of a Goat on it…don’t ask..). I remembered to make a booking at a restaurant, I remembered to get fuel and I embarrassingly forgot my wallet. Oh great.

However this was nothing in the grand scheme of things. Poor Lucie was struggling to keep it together and I didn’t know what to do. Must learn that when she is upset she does not like to be hugged or touched…except when she does….not the easiest person to comfort if I’m honest…..

Saturday morning and lucie had a “doctors” appointment which she was reluctant to tell me about. It turned out later that the reason she was reluctant to tell me about it was because it was for a Natropath and she was embarrassed. Her mother had cajoled her into going because it had apparently worked for her…although what had and how and when were not forthcoming. I thought she didn’t think I would approve. She was right but I wasn’t about to get upset at her or be mad at her…….like she was at me for taking Effexor….hummmm beginning to see a pattern.

In any case she came back, declared it all bullshit but said she would try it anyway. I’m not really there enough to judge properly but I truly think that what she perceives as not coping would be classified as coping for other people but she is just so freaking hard on herself. That it looks like not coping to her. Therein lies the true problem, somewhere in Lucie is a part of her that hates herself. Truly. That thinks she does not deserve anything but hell on earth for whatever imagined crimes she persists in believe she has committed.

I’m not like that. My depression comes from a different place.

In any case I busied myself whilst she was away helping her dad renovate a barn. I didn’t think I’d be able to do it but turns out it went just fine.

Then lucie and I had a nap and revelled in the benefits of medication that has no effect on my libido.

Then we went to a board games night. And that was fine. And yet when I returned home I felt lightheaded and overwhelmed again. *sigh*