All Significant battles

The *probably* boring details of someone trying to find the way back

So broken right now it’s almost impossible to say. The people I love are so far away from me. And they are hurting too and I am powerless to do anything about it.


A significant battle

I know there’s a war going on in her head, I know the war because I have fought it myself.

It’s a war where there are defectors, little skirmishes and almost everyone is a spy and saboteur. Where even the happiest of thoughts can turn traitor at a seconds notice and every battle feels like your last.

I have fought this war and I have seen this war fought countless times. And I know that it is possible to lose. I have seen people lose. I don’t want her to lose. There seems to be so much I can do and yet so little when you are not allowed in. And that is part of the war too. Feeling backed into a corner.

People you love get dragged into the war and are then told that there is nothing they can do.

By the time there is something you can do, it’s over, and it’s either been won or lost.

“And tell me would it kill you, would it really spoil everything? If you didn’t blame yourself? Do you know what I mean?” Aimee Mann- Red Vines

And so it goes on. The people who wage the war unaware or forgetting that it would be better done in the light of day, outside their treacherous brains.

You, who has an understandable impulse to help, a need to hold and love that is only stronger when the person you love in in pain, gets pushed away till it seems that all you can do is go.

But you can’t. 


I bought a fit-bit.

Since exercise can have a marked effect on depression and Lucie had one and it seemed to be doing her good I decided to go for it.

So far it’s been great!

I’ve been walking 10,000 steps each day. And doing weight training (which I only just started, I’m trying high rep and low weight for the first time in my life….so I’ll report how that goes) . I can’t say that there’s been a marked improvement in my mood overall yet but I would say that all signs are pointing towards that being the case.

My paranoia got a good test this week and instead of curling up in a sock draw or biting a certain persons head off or just going nuts. I talked it out, was still worried but didn’t fold. That’s a marked improvement.

Had a setback on Thursday of last week. I’m still mulling it over so I’m not going to write about it here yet but it involved my Ex.  But despite being upset initially I bounced rather than broke so that’s a positive too. I think the fit-bit helped. I genuinely do.

So I’m being forced to walk, by a small yellow line that turns orange and then eventually green. Music is good, raucous music that gets you to pump along but the best is if you have someone to talk to. Lucie and I did our walk together on the weekend. That was great. I completely forgot that I needed to make steps (till my wrist buzzed) and enjoyed a semi-intellectual conversation.

In-fact the only negative of the fit-bit is the fact that it lacks a clock or any of the other things that might make it more useful to pair with my smart-phone. Ok so it’s not a smart-watch it’s not designed to be a smart-watch but seriously did ANYONE think that people would be upset if you included a clock? I keep looking at my wrist for no reason whatsoever.

At the moment I’m ignoring the competition side of things, I haven’t had it for very long and it’s a rolling cycle so anyone on my fit-bit friends list will be ahead of me no matter what. But I think I can take them. I’m already getting markedly faster at walking. And with my stride I can do distance much better than many of the people I know.


Soon they will all be behind me!


So the Valdroxan has been doing it’s work, but my mental health deteriorated anyway. I tried to do nothing. I tried to spend some time working on my own stuff. I don’t know maybe it was valuable but it was bloody hard. It certainly made sense of why I spend so much time doing other things. Why my calender is so full, because time to think hurts. I suppose at some point I will have to spend the time working through what I have lost. My friends, my ex, my daughter. But for now I guess I have to just keep going. The point of all this was to keep me alive. I want to do more than that. I want to be more than that but right now I’m back to that. Day by day. It is both shocking how easy and how difficult it has all been. In one way I’m surprised that after the demise of an 11 year relationship I just didn’t crumble to dust. And yet not having done so I’m surprised how hard it is to move forward. I have so much to morn. So much to work out. And yet I want to do more. Some minutes I feel capable of such, others I am not so sure. One thing is for sure. I need a good hug.

The last two days

The last two days?


Not good.

Not good at all.


Brain Swell

Things are moving again. It’s been 10 months but they are now moving.

Part of me is wondering if they are now not moving too fast.

I have thrown myself into my work that was to be expected. But I also have a band in the works (actually a very promising project if the music that’s being produced is to be believed) a show for the MICF coming up in the next year. And possibly a podcast.

This I am apparently going to be able to juggle along with social commitments and perhaps seeing a special someone.

When I was 6 or 7 I got a cold for the first time I can remember. It’s the first time I can remember actually being really sick. I was floored. I honestly didn’t know what was happening to me. I wanted to go outside and run and play but I couldn’t. I was told that I needed to rest. Cups of Ribena were dutifully provided for me and I was instructed for the first and last time I can remember to “Just watch some TV”.

A few hours later I felt better, the Ribena had done its work I thought. I still felt a bit gunky but for the most part I had energy again. I celebrated by zooming up and down the halls yelling “I’m better!!” My parents looked at me credulously. No-one recovers from a cold in an hour and a half, did they have a super child on their hands? No. After about 20 minutes of zooming I crashed again.

Right now I am revelling in creating. I am feeling better but am I feeling good enough to warrant all this activity? Am I feeling good enough to let someone in my life? Even if I think that’s what I want?

Will I crash again?

Almost certainly. But I’m not sure I know how to go slow. And I think the next crash won’t be so bad.

A three legged dog can still run it just needs to learn how.

And the days roll on

I haven’t been here for a while, this is partly due to being busy, this is partly due to feeling better and this is partly due to not feeling like anyone was listening here. Not really a surprise, this is a self-indulgent exercise that I have told basically no-one about.

Contrary to your experiences I imagine I am not much one for complaining or at least I try not to be. If I complain I want it to be funny, interesting, not complaining for the sake of complaining but a conversation starter or a way to see beauty or what things could be like.

Valdroxan has been 1000 times better than Effexor. I’m able to function. In the 100 little ways that Effexor robbed me of. But there’s no getting away from the fact that it’s a drug that I’m putting into my system that may have consequences. OR it may not right now, it’s very hard to tell and unfortunately the people who know me best aren’t around to tell me if or how I’m different.

Or if the ways that I am starting to perceive that Valdroxan might be having an effect might be caused by something else entirely.

This is the way I’m going to express it.

You walk into a cupboard and start to go through the shelves. Now Chris no medication would just have everything laid out in front of him no problem getting to anything except in rare circumstances. Chris on effexor, all the shelves where there but they were all blurry, you’d pick something up but it wouldn’t be what you wanted so you’d have to put it back and try again, sometimes it would take four or five goes to get what you wanted and then often you had forgotten why you had come into the cupboard in the first place.

On Valdroxan the cupboard is there, the shelves are there everything is clear but sometimes you go to reach for something and the shelf that you are reaching for is just gone. So you quickly grab something else to cover or you flub your lines totally.

At yum-cha on Saturday Louise said “That’s the trouble everything is going fine and then I get distracted by the tentacles”

My immediate response was to say “It’s surprising how often I’m saying that these days”.

I knew that’s what I wanted to say, but then 15 versions started to converge at once. “I often say that myself”, “It’s amazing how often tentacles are the answer”.

“If manga is anything to go by this is an even bigger problem in Japan”, “Good thing your not a squid really”.

Now normally I would have already thought of these and filtered the what I considered to be the best one and would be saying that but having them come along when I was talking was confusing and I completely ruined the line. “I erm….um….squid….thing…yes…I end up saying that a lot……..japan!”

Now everyone was nice and polite and no-one called me out and told me to do it again but it was distressing.

The problem is that I don’t know if it’s the Valdroxan at all. It may well not be. It could be that I’m overworked. I’m constantly demanding that I be creative and on the ball particularly at work I’m still recovering from Trauma that knocked me for 6 and I could really use a holiday or something that I haven’t yet taken. This is also a symptom of just being tired. I might just be exhausted. Because it’s not just work I also work and push myself to write other things. Letters, a book, little ideas, push, push, push and these have to be brilliant as well or else what’s the fucking point?

Now this is a single example and it’s not really that bad as far as things go. Lots of people say things that don’t quite make sense. But normally I also have the fortitde to cover with something like “ugh….I screwed that up” or “You’ll have to excuse me there’s a tongue in my mouth”, or “oh dear…out of words…time to eat another dictionary”.

But the thing that’s worrying me is that I am finding it hard to reach for ad absurdam metaphors or ridiculous little vignettes for situations that I found funny.

This is distressing as these are my bread and butter. It sound silly but these keep me sane.

Perhaps I need exercise and to listen to classical music and to eat better. All three in concert have been proven to be as effective as anti-depressants.

And of course your going well this is all Petite beer. So what? Evidence of arrogance. Chris complaining because he has to slum it with the rest of us.

Maybe your right. But I don’t have a lot right now. Losing the things that I have would be a deal-breaker.